Put “blessings, positive, and argument” in the same sentence? Really? That reads like an impossibility. Yes, I believe that’s not only possible, but something each of us need to learn to incorporate in daily life.
If our experience with disagreement is associated with any of these—numbing silence, raised voices, finger-pointing, or cruel words—we will likely tend to keep quiet even when to speak up could benefit everyone involved. After all, we reason, what good purpose can be served by arguing?
What if we were to take a different perspective? What if we viewed the whole idea of arguing as an opportunity for everyone involved to experience blessings heretofore undiscovered?
I recently came across the following quote which I’m sure the Lord meant personally for my heart. Yet maybe it’s one each of us need to ponder:
“The purpose of argument should not be victory, but progress.”
[Joseph Joubert]
Wow. Now that puts everything in a different light, however, here’s the catch—if we hope to be blessed, or enjoy some measure of progress, we need to let go of our likely business-as-usual behavior when we disagree with others.
The need to be right. When a disagreement or argument is reduced to who’s right and who’s wrong—there has to be a winner and a loser—we diminish the potential for new ideas or a better approach. We shut off the wisdom that, if given voice, could be the perfect insight for the moment.
The need to have the last word. What is it about human beings that we seem to have the need to deliver our sentiments in a way that slams the door on further comment? It’s as if we believe there’s something virtuous about quenching the other person’s efforts. What are we afraid of? This kind of behavior is usually a reflection of our own insecurities and sense of low self-worth.
The need to wield our knowledge or status. Knowledge is good. Status is often something earned with hard work and focus. And yet, why is it some people insist on using both in an attempt at one-upmanship? If we can consider the facts, information, or titles we have as potential tools to be used in the peaceful resolution of an argument rather than as weapons to subdue others, we might strengthen and enrich the friendships we have, or discover new ones.
The need to make ourselves feel better. The satisfaction or [inward] glee we may experience when we are determined to “put the other in their place”—to say nothing if we feel we have succeeded—is short-lived at best. The dark side of this behavior is that we may resort to being passive aggressive, cynical, or totally dismissive of the other person and their concerns.
So, what kind and compassionate choices might we make if we can agree that the purpose of an argument should not be victory, but progress?
Acknowledge what each person is feeling without condemnation and judgment. Emotions that are managed [not suppressed] can serve a positive outcome when everyone feels safe and accepted.
Before any discussion, clearly identify why the disagreement exists in the first place. If we’re not on the same page about what is at the root of our differences, we lack the insight and awareness that can contribute to meaningful clarity and eventual resolution.
Open ourselves to the wonderful possibilities that manifest when we see and understand an argument as fertile ground for ideas and solutions that can only result in better, healthier relationships. We are a multitude of similar, yet unique human beings created in the image and likeness of God. On that basis alone, wouldn’t we be far better served if we choose actions and behaviors that will bless and help each other on this sometimes difficult and complicated journey we call life?
Do I need to have the last word? Why?
Do I use my knowledge or status to intimidate others? Why?
Can I ask God to help me set aside my need to make myself feel better at the expense of the other person who may have a different perspective than mine?
