These sound familiar?
“Don’t give me that attitude. Don’t use that tone with me. Don’t say that again or you’ll find out what happens.”
Yep, those phrases can stir uncomfortable memories of childhood. I’m sure you can read them and know exactly which word [maybe several] was emphasized and how it was delivered to your young ears.
As we grew up we realized a well-intentioned parent wanted to do their best to help us become responsible, respectable adults. However, as appropriate and understandable the motivation, there is a point at which we may need to reconsider the impact of what we experienced. Without a doubt, words and tone, in any circumstance, can build up or tear down.
The big problem when we use “the tone” on ourselves is the potential to step into attitudes and behaviors that are unloving and definitely unhealthy. We may adopt the belief that unless we “get tough with ourselves” we will fail to be that responsible and respectable grown-up.
I’m here to tell you this process simply does not work. At best it gives one a false sense of security as to our wherewithal to keep ourselves in check, and at worst, drags us deep into shame, condemnation, and guilt.
As if “the tone” isn’t bad enough, the words we choose can make the situation uglier. While you may not refer to yourself as dumb, stupid, or a jerk, how many times have you used terms like pitiful, lame, or pea-brained? Not good. And certainly not from God.
We are wise to be firm with ourselves when it comes to the choices and actions we have made, or are about to make. On the other hand, what if we were to do so in a manner that respects the reality we are beings created in the image and likeness of God?
For example . . .
“I could have made a better choice. With your help, Lord, I will the next time.”
“I let fear run the show and froze in my tracks. Lesson learned.”
“I forgive so and so for their actions. I also forgive myself for how I handled things.”
“I have strengths and weaknesses. Lord, show me where and how I need to become more like Jesus.”
Yes, each of these circumstances involves a learning curve. But isn’t that a big part of our life on this journey? Fall. Stumble. Get up. Brush ourselves off and continue on, armed with new insight, new awareness.
Using “the tone”, especially when combined with harsh language seems a sure fire way to ridicule ourselves beyond what is helpful for loving self-discipline. In the absence of parents and caregivers who wanted to steer is in the right direction as young children, it seems to continue on with behavior that may be appropriate for a young child is less than effective and necessary when we become adults.
Jesus instructs us to love God, and others, as self. Maybe a good place to start is to be as kind and compassionate with ourselves as we desire to be toward the Divine and the people we encounter on a daily basis.
Do I tend to use “the tone” on myself? Why?
How do I feel after I use the tone and/or harsh words toward myself?
Can I ask Jesus to help me re-frame my attitude toward myself?
